5 Steps to Shift a Negative Experience Into a Good One

We Can Never Know Anyone Else’s Story

In all aspects of my life and in many situations I try to remember, “It’s not personal.” Granted it can be hard sometimes, especially when it seems personal–when someone cuts us off in traffic, or steals the parking spot right from under our nose, or aims unkind words our way.

One of the key elements, for me, in remembering to not take things personally, is acknowledging that I can never really know anyone else’s story. Where they come from, who they are, what they are going through, what their innermost feelings are, how they have been shaped by the people that surrounded them, or the events in life they have encountered. Not my best friend, not even my sister.

When I can acknowledge that I do not really know someone’s story, I become much less judgmental of others and their actions. When I can acknowledge that I cannot completely know someone or what really hides behind their actions, people’s offenses become a lot less personal.

Pause, Before Reacting

How can we practice not taking offenses personally? When someone “wrongs” us, we can pause. Count to ten if you want. Take a deep breath. Take ten deep breaths. Can you pull back and become the observer? Be patient with yourself. It may take some practice resetting the habit of initially reacting. You will be living in a very conscious manner when you start practicing pause.

Practice Empathy

In this pause, as we try to avoid instant reaction, we can take the opportunity to change our habit of personalizing things to the next level. Perhaps we can practice a little empathy. We can start with the question, “I wonder why?” this is a very wise question.

In fact, it is a wise question in any situation. I have found when we simply ask,“I wonder why?” whether we condone certain behaviors or not, this question shifts the energy of judgment to the energy of empathy. Practicing a little bit of empathy as we observe the world is a good place to start. And then when someone affords us a bit of empathy when we’ve messed up, we realize how important that can be.

Turn Your Eye Inward

You will know you have become a master of not personalizing things when you begin to notice how your own reactions to someone else might really be about yourself.

When it is you who is angry at someone, feel your anger; and then when you are calm, ask yourself, “What is the feeling underlying my anger? Is it unworthiness? Is it fear? Can I possibly own it?”

Maybe you do not need to put it on someone else. When you have owned it, notice how your anger toward the other has diminished or even disappeared.

Move Ever Forward

Today I happily stood in the center of a world that is not my norm. Today I stood with a friend while their children played in a playground. It was a colorful whirlwind of little people, in a world filled with laughter, screaming, running, jumping, and climbing. The thing that stood out to me as I observed this vibrant world is that, for all its apparent chaos, it flows. Things happen, accidents happen, heads get bumped, feelings get hurt, toes get stepped on. And then they move on. Quickly.

Pre School aged children are really good at not taking things personally, I surmised. They don’t have time for that sort of thing. The present moment is always carrying them forward.

I watched as two little girls skipped off together, arm in arm, after weathering a brief storm in their friendship. I smiled to myself.

We could learn a lot from them!